Scared

Dear Boston,

This morning I gave you your usual bath and decided to heat your room up so that I could change your diaper and put your clothes back on without you getting too cold. So, I carried you swaddled up in a towel, into your bedroom, laid you down on the floor and proceeded to grab the blow dryer. It was at that moment that everything went from happy and wonderful to the scariest moment of your life (poor thing). I had the bright idea of drying you off with the dryer to help you warm up and dry out a little rash you have. This was not a good plan. The moment I turned the dryer on and aimed it at you, you were terrified. I have NEVER seen that look on your face. You stared at me in horror and then let out a cry I have never heard before (by the way the dryer was not hot, I had it on warm/cool). I immediately realized my mistake and turned the dryer off and scooped you up. You were ok the moment you were in my arms, with just a few little whimpers left to express. I then came up with a smarter idea and held you in my lap while I turned the blow dryer on and aimed it at you from a distance. This was a much better plan than me leaning over you with a loud scary thing aimed at you, while you lye naked on the floor. Oh darling, you are my firstborn and therefor (unfortunately) you are mine and Dad's "Guinea Pig". We will probably make most of our mistakes on you, but just remember it is always with the best of intentions. This reminds me of a line in the song, "Fix You" that I often sing to you,
"Tears stream down your face,I promise you I will learn from my mistakes". It's a work in progress! I love you. :)

Love,

Momma

Your Blessing Day

Dear Boston,

Your blessing day was a very sweet day for our family. Dad and I were so giddy all day long and we felt so proud to be your parents. We blessed you in Daddy's home ward with almost all of his family there. My family couldn't be there, but they all wish they could of been. You looked so handsome in your baby velcro tux with matching velcro cumberbun. :) Dad gave you a wonderful blessing that I will have to get from Nana. She wrote it out in shorthand and I took notes on it too. It was a really great blessing and quite a few things stood out to me, but three things stood out the most.
1. You were blessed to be a good friend to those around you and to be a good example.
2. You were blessed to know how much Dad and I love you.
3. At the very end of your blessing Dad was about to finish but he felt inspired to mention that the Lord is proud of you for choosing to come here to this life and although you will have trials you will succeed in the end.

# 3 was a comfort to me. :) I know you will do great things with your life and Dad and I will always love you and we will always be proud of you. When Dad brought you up to be blessed you were asleep but once the blessing started you woke up and Dad says that when he blessed you to know how much we love you he opened his eyes (because a couple people were laughing softly) and he saw a big huge grin on your face. Does this mean you really do know how much we love you? Or maybe you could just feel a familiar spirit. Or maybe you were just as happy as Dad and I were on this very special day.

Love,

Momma

One of my favorite songs

Dear Boston,

I have a new song that I sing to you and you seem to like it. It's called "Fix You" by Cold Play. This song is very special for me because it was a song I listened to ALL the time during a really hard time in my life. I had just moved back to Seattle to move in with Uncle Erik and Aunt Jodi. I hadn't lived in Seattle since I was 14 years old, but it was definitely time for me to come back home. I was so sad, but all of my siblings (near and far) and parents and nieces and nephews were all there for me to help remind me of who I was and and who I could be. I would listen to this song with Uncle Erik, or listen to it at Jen's house while I would play with Isabel. Aunt Kaz and I listened to it on her bed when I visited her in Indiana and just cried. I would play this song every time I went on a date with Isabel, Luke and Mercedes and the kids would sing along. This song is a favorite of Uncle Erik's, and is also Isabel and her Dad's song together. This song holds very special meaning for me, and now it is my song to you. This song constantly reminds me of the love and support my family have for me and I feel that love every time I hear it. I hope you feel that same love from me and Dad every time we sing it to you. Here are the lyrics...

When You try your best but don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
Tears stream down your face
and I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I'll learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
and I

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and I will try to fix you

Love,

Momma

Holding you

Dear Boston,

It was another long night for our little family. You were having a rough time and could not get to sleep no matter what Daddy and I tried (and we tried everything!). Finally Daddy handed you off to me while you were screaming. I decided to walk with you into our walk-in closet and rock with you next to the water heater (that makes a low humming noise) and for whatever reason this worked! You immediately stopped crying and fell asleep instantly. While I was standing there looking at the coats in our closet I thought to myself,
"Wow. This is going to be a really boring next half hour". Then I started to think about years down the road when I am going to miss moments like this with you. I thought about all the times when you are a toddler and won't want to slow down for a minute that I will wish I could scoop you up, hold you next to my cheek and just rock with you. I thought about you growing up and being a too-cool-for-school teenager and how I am sure I will miss my baby boy and wish that I could just cuddle you one more time. I thought about when you write me and Dad letters from the mission and I will be able to tell if you're having a hard time or a bad day, and I will ACHE for the times when I could just hold you and make you feel all better. I thought about you getting married and some other woman will take my place in comforting you and although that's exactly the way it should be...I am sure there will be moments that I wish I could still be the one. Then I thought about something Nana had said this last weekend on your Blessing day. She was making you smile while you sat in your little white tux in the big chair and she started laughing and said, "Dane, this is unbelievable. He looks SO much like you! It's like I'm staring at you as a baby all over again"!

So maybe one day, years down the road I will get to enjoy you all over again through your sweet babies. For now I will just continue to try and appreciate the really sweet moments I get to have with you amidst the long sleepless nights.

I love you.

Love,

Momma

Little Conversations

Dear Boston,

Today was an awesome day. Everyone has told me that around 6 weeks I would feel so much better, and it is true. I felt like my old self (the less emotional, more bubbly self) all day today...with an added dose of tiredness, but still...I felt like myself! It is a good feeling. I think I can thank you for that, since you have been doing a great job of sleeping for the last couple nights. You are now sleeping between 5 and 7 hour stretches! YA for sleep! However, about 3 nights ago you did not sleep well at all. I started trying to put you down around 8 (that's what Daddy and I are aiming for now) but you would not go down. I tried for 5 hours sweet boy! And you still didn't fall asleep for another 3 hours! Yikes! When you are older and not going to bed just cause you don't want to, I will probably feel mad at you, but for now you are just my little 10 pounder and you are struggling a whole lot with your silent reflux.

So....after hours of trying to get you to sleep I finally gave up and decided that my only goal was to comfort you while you cried out your pain from the reflux. I held you and talked to you and the following conversation seemed to soothe you quiet a bit...

"I love you. I'm so sorry you're in pain. It is very common for babies to go through what you are going through and I know it doesn't seem like it, but it will get better. This won't last forever. I wish I could take away your pain, but since I can't I will just try to comfort you and hold you and let you know that I am here. Even when you think I'm gone, I'm not really, because if you just cry and let me know you need me, I will run in the room and be right here for you". At some points, during our conversation I just cried with you. :)

You eventually were comforted by this little conversation and fell right to sleep. Every night since that night has been better and better. As I headed to bed that night thinking about our little conversation I felt a sense of de ja vu. That was when I realized that the Lord has that same conversation with me all the time.

I have learned more about Heavenly Father's love for me in the last 10 months and 7 weeks of being your mom then I have learned in the last 25 years. I wrote a letter once saying that I knew your Dad was the right one for me because when I was with him I could feel the Savior's love for me more tangibly... I think anytime this happens in your life, you can't deny that you've got a really good thing going.

So I guess this letter is to tell you that I love you and I love being your Mom.

Love,
Momma