Hey Mom

Dear Boston,

Every night after you fall asleep, I go in your room and check on you, just to make sure that you're still breathing... hopefully one day I will drop this routine.  When I go in to check on you I lean in VERY close about an inch from your face so that I can hear and see you breathing (it's hard to see your little face in a dark room).  So the other night I went in and did the same old routine.  I leaned down over your crib and got right in your face and you shined two big blue eyes back at me with a huge grin on your face.  It took me a second to realize that you were awake and grinning.  I started laughing really hard and have been laughing over this instance for days.

I find it hilarious that you see nothing weird about waking up to your mom about one inch from your face just staring at you.  If you could talk I think you would have said something like,

"Hey Mom.  It's really nice to see you one inch from my face.  I don't find it weird at all". 

You are so cute Boss.  Every night Daddy and I say, "that boy is So dang perfect!  How did we get so lucky?!" 

Love,

Momma

Smiles

Dear Boston,

You are presently taking the longest nap ever (loving it by the way...your little body needs it).  However, Daddy and I are getting ready to go somewhere and I kind of want to feed you before we go, but I don't want to fully wake you up.   You fell asleep in your car seat and so I have just left you in it, but I tried to slowly unhook you and unzip you out of your snowsuit to try and get you to wake up....didn't work.  So then I say, "Hi Boston" and although you didn't wake up or open your eyes and continued snoring, you did flash me a huge gummy grin.  Even your subconcsious loves me.  :)  I love it!

Love,


Momma

Ran out of Songs

Dear Boston,

As you know I love to sing to you and you seem to love it too.  The go to songs are always, "I will love you", "To make you feel my love" and "Fix You".  When I am sick of singing those over and over and over, I sing some of my favorite songs to you.  Beyonce's "Halo".  Tim Mcgraw and Faith Hill's "I need you".  The Frays, "Never say Never".  And lately (with the Holiday Season being upon us) I have been singing to you, "Silent Night" and "Away in a Manger".  

Well after a long night I had sang every song at least 4 times and I (not to mention probably Dane) was sick of hearing them, so as I racked my brains for another song, I must have reached somewhere deep in the recess' of my 14 year old mind when these words came out of my mouth, "You are My fiiiire.  The one Deeeesiiiree.  Believe When III say, that IIII want it that way.  Tell me wwwwhyyyee.."  Ya, Boss. I started singing to you Backstreet boys.  You probably won't ever know who they are, but just know that I'm sorry I resorted to that.  And not that this matters to you, but I was an NSYNC fan, not Backstreet boys.  Why did they come into my head?  Well again, I owe you an apology.  I will try harder next time.  :) 

Love, 

Momma 

You win some, you lose some

Dear Boston,

Yesterday was a not so great day for you and I. You are a little over 2 months old and we are just trying to find our groove. I have realized that I have to make concerted efforts to notice the signs of when you're getting tired, and then help you get to sleep by swaddling you up, rocking you in the chair, and singing you a song in your quiet little nursery. I wasn't doing this consistently, so yesterday I was diligent about it!

Well, yesterday was awful. You hardly took a nap. You only fell asleep when in my arms, but as soon as I put you down you woke right up. Needless to say I didn't get much done. You also weren't your happy smiley self (probably because you were over tired from lack of a nap). I was a little grumpy, a little greasy (a few days without a shower will do that to ya) but still, I couldn't resist kissing your cute little cheeks all day. When Daddy got home he saw a grumpy little boy and a tired out Momma.

Today was a whole different story. You slept from 9-9 with only one 5 am feeding! As a teenager you might read this and not think that sounds so awesome, but for a Mom and Dad who have adjusted to waking up every few hours, this is seriously awesome! We were so proud of you! When I went in to get you this morning, you were crying but the second I leaned down and you could see me, you burst into a laugh and a huge smile. It made my whole day. I love that you wake up so happy. I wonder if this will stick when you are waking up for school? Probably not, but it sure is cute right now. The rest of today went great. I looked for signs of you getting tired, and then swaddled you up, rocked you in the chair and sang to you. And today it worked! You took three great naps today and have been down for the night for the last 3 hours! You were also an extra happy baby today. Lots of loves and smiles for Momma.

My schedule went so smooth today because of your great napping. I cooked a yummy dinner, showered, brushed my teeth (these are my accomplishments these days) cleaned the kitchen and my bedroom, worked on my calling, chatted with my sisters, read scriptures with you, read the napping house with you, cuddled you lots, played with you, prayed with you and made a yummy fondue dessert! That is a big day for me! I normally don't get half of that done. So here's to you, me and Daddy getting some sleep! We are hoping for a repeat. I love you so much Darling.

Love,

Momma

PS You sleep with both fists balled up right next to your cheeks, all night long... how cute is that?

Scared

Dear Boston,

This morning I gave you your usual bath and decided to heat your room up so that I could change your diaper and put your clothes back on without you getting too cold. So, I carried you swaddled up in a towel, into your bedroom, laid you down on the floor and proceeded to grab the blow dryer. It was at that moment that everything went from happy and wonderful to the scariest moment of your life (poor thing). I had the bright idea of drying you off with the dryer to help you warm up and dry out a little rash you have. This was not a good plan. The moment I turned the dryer on and aimed it at you, you were terrified. I have NEVER seen that look on your face. You stared at me in horror and then let out a cry I have never heard before (by the way the dryer was not hot, I had it on warm/cool). I immediately realized my mistake and turned the dryer off and scooped you up. You were ok the moment you were in my arms, with just a few little whimpers left to express. I then came up with a smarter idea and held you in my lap while I turned the blow dryer on and aimed it at you from a distance. This was a much better plan than me leaning over you with a loud scary thing aimed at you, while you lye naked on the floor. Oh darling, you are my firstborn and therefor (unfortunately) you are mine and Dad's "Guinea Pig". We will probably make most of our mistakes on you, but just remember it is always with the best of intentions. This reminds me of a line in the song, "Fix You" that I often sing to you,
"Tears stream down your face,I promise you I will learn from my mistakes". It's a work in progress! I love you. :)

Love,

Momma

Your Blessing Day

Dear Boston,

Your blessing day was a very sweet day for our family. Dad and I were so giddy all day long and we felt so proud to be your parents. We blessed you in Daddy's home ward with almost all of his family there. My family couldn't be there, but they all wish they could of been. You looked so handsome in your baby velcro tux with matching velcro cumberbun. :) Dad gave you a wonderful blessing that I will have to get from Nana. She wrote it out in shorthand and I took notes on it too. It was a really great blessing and quite a few things stood out to me, but three things stood out the most.
1. You were blessed to be a good friend to those around you and to be a good example.
2. You were blessed to know how much Dad and I love you.
3. At the very end of your blessing Dad was about to finish but he felt inspired to mention that the Lord is proud of you for choosing to come here to this life and although you will have trials you will succeed in the end.

# 3 was a comfort to me. :) I know you will do great things with your life and Dad and I will always love you and we will always be proud of you. When Dad brought you up to be blessed you were asleep but once the blessing started you woke up and Dad says that when he blessed you to know how much we love you he opened his eyes (because a couple people were laughing softly) and he saw a big huge grin on your face. Does this mean you really do know how much we love you? Or maybe you could just feel a familiar spirit. Or maybe you were just as happy as Dad and I were on this very special day.

Love,

Momma

One of my favorite songs

Dear Boston,

I have a new song that I sing to you and you seem to like it. It's called "Fix You" by Cold Play. This song is very special for me because it was a song I listened to ALL the time during a really hard time in my life. I had just moved back to Seattle to move in with Uncle Erik and Aunt Jodi. I hadn't lived in Seattle since I was 14 years old, but it was definitely time for me to come back home. I was so sad, but all of my siblings (near and far) and parents and nieces and nephews were all there for me to help remind me of who I was and and who I could be. I would listen to this song with Uncle Erik, or listen to it at Jen's house while I would play with Isabel. Aunt Kaz and I listened to it on her bed when I visited her in Indiana and just cried. I would play this song every time I went on a date with Isabel, Luke and Mercedes and the kids would sing along. This song is a favorite of Uncle Erik's, and is also Isabel and her Dad's song together. This song holds very special meaning for me, and now it is my song to you. This song constantly reminds me of the love and support my family have for me and I feel that love every time I hear it. I hope you feel that same love from me and Dad every time we sing it to you. Here are the lyrics...

When You try your best but don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
Tears stream down your face
and I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I'll learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
and I

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and I will try to fix you

Love,

Momma

Holding you

Dear Boston,

It was another long night for our little family. You were having a rough time and could not get to sleep no matter what Daddy and I tried (and we tried everything!). Finally Daddy handed you off to me while you were screaming. I decided to walk with you into our walk-in closet and rock with you next to the water heater (that makes a low humming noise) and for whatever reason this worked! You immediately stopped crying and fell asleep instantly. While I was standing there looking at the coats in our closet I thought to myself,
"Wow. This is going to be a really boring next half hour". Then I started to think about years down the road when I am going to miss moments like this with you. I thought about all the times when you are a toddler and won't want to slow down for a minute that I will wish I could scoop you up, hold you next to my cheek and just rock with you. I thought about you growing up and being a too-cool-for-school teenager and how I am sure I will miss my baby boy and wish that I could just cuddle you one more time. I thought about when you write me and Dad letters from the mission and I will be able to tell if you're having a hard time or a bad day, and I will ACHE for the times when I could just hold you and make you feel all better. I thought about you getting married and some other woman will take my place in comforting you and although that's exactly the way it should be...I am sure there will be moments that I wish I could still be the one. Then I thought about something Nana had said this last weekend on your Blessing day. She was making you smile while you sat in your little white tux in the big chair and she started laughing and said, "Dane, this is unbelievable. He looks SO much like you! It's like I'm staring at you as a baby all over again"!

So maybe one day, years down the road I will get to enjoy you all over again through your sweet babies. For now I will just continue to try and appreciate the really sweet moments I get to have with you amidst the long sleepless nights.

I love you.

Love,

Momma

Little Conversations

Dear Boston,

Today was an awesome day. Everyone has told me that around 6 weeks I would feel so much better, and it is true. I felt like my old self (the less emotional, more bubbly self) all day today...with an added dose of tiredness, but still...I felt like myself! It is a good feeling. I think I can thank you for that, since you have been doing a great job of sleeping for the last couple nights. You are now sleeping between 5 and 7 hour stretches! YA for sleep! However, about 3 nights ago you did not sleep well at all. I started trying to put you down around 8 (that's what Daddy and I are aiming for now) but you would not go down. I tried for 5 hours sweet boy! And you still didn't fall asleep for another 3 hours! Yikes! When you are older and not going to bed just cause you don't want to, I will probably feel mad at you, but for now you are just my little 10 pounder and you are struggling a whole lot with your silent reflux.

So....after hours of trying to get you to sleep I finally gave up and decided that my only goal was to comfort you while you cried out your pain from the reflux. I held you and talked to you and the following conversation seemed to soothe you quiet a bit...

"I love you. I'm so sorry you're in pain. It is very common for babies to go through what you are going through and I know it doesn't seem like it, but it will get better. This won't last forever. I wish I could take away your pain, but since I can't I will just try to comfort you and hold you and let you know that I am here. Even when you think I'm gone, I'm not really, because if you just cry and let me know you need me, I will run in the room and be right here for you". At some points, during our conversation I just cried with you. :)

You eventually were comforted by this little conversation and fell right to sleep. Every night since that night has been better and better. As I headed to bed that night thinking about our little conversation I felt a sense of de ja vu. That was when I realized that the Lord has that same conversation with me all the time.

I have learned more about Heavenly Father's love for me in the last 10 months and 7 weeks of being your mom then I have learned in the last 25 years. I wrote a letter once saying that I knew your Dad was the right one for me because when I was with him I could feel the Savior's love for me more tangibly... I think anytime this happens in your life, you can't deny that you've got a really good thing going.

So I guess this letter is to tell you that I love you and I love being your Mom.

Love,
Momma

Just you and me

Dear Boston,

Today was our third day alone just you and me, doing our new baby/new mom thing. Neither of us (including Daddy) got much sleep last night, but by the time Daddy was ready to leave for work he just couldn't resist pulling you out of bed (after you had finally fallen asleep) to cuddle you a bit. Once you were out of bed I couldn't resist you either, so we just laid in bed and I held you while I read scriptures and a book. Later today we got all ready (I showered, did my make up, and even straightened my hair...big deal for mom these days) and brought Halloween cupcakes to Dad and all his co-workers. They are all obsessed with you. Daddy works with mostly women and they all can't wait to get their hands on you... but for now they are just content to stare. Even a guy that Daddy works with said you were the cutest little boy, and he is scared of babies normally but you were so dang cute he wanted to hold you.

Daddy just had to pull you out of your car seat to give you hugs and kisses. Then he strapped you back in and you and I headed out for a walk in your awesome stroller (you can thank Daddy for that one) across Gonzaga campus. It was a beautiful fall day and campus is filled with gorgeous trees and their leaves are all changing color. We came home after our walk and I planned on cleaning, but instead I just curled up with you on the couch. I had to leave you for awhile tonight to go visit teach, but when I came home I could see that Daddy had taken good care of you. He had you changed, fed, and swaddled up all cozy like only Daddy can. Not only that but he had a yummy dinner all ready for me too. Take notes Bosty...your dad has this husband thing down. Daddy and I cuddled for awhile while you swung away in your swing, but after awhile we missed you and pulled you into bed with us and the 3 of us just cuddled, talked, kissed and relaxed. I had my head on Daddy's stomach and you were laid across my chest, while you held Daddy's hand.

Now you are sleeping in my lap while I write this post (I have gotten pretty talented at multitasking with you). Today was a truly wonderful day. In fact I LOVED everything about today. Not much gets done these days and I don't always feel quite like myself and I'm always exhausted, but I haven't missed one opportunity to cuddle with you, and Daddy and spend my days learning every little thing about you. Years down the road, I don't think I will look back and regret one moment of skipping out on the dishes to spend time with you and Dad... we will get there, but not today. :)

Love,

Momma

Our Song

Dear Boston,

Last June Aunt Jen and Aunt Jodi threw us a baby shower and at the shower they played a video of parenting advice from all of my nieces and nephews. Aunt Jen made the video and put the song, "To Make you Feel My Love" on it and ever since then I have thought of you when I think of that song, so from the moment the Doctors placed you on my chest I have been singing that song to you whenever you're having a hard time, or whenever we are just cuddling and you seem to love it. You get very quiet when I start singing and if you were upset, you usually will calm right down. So buddy, this is my song to you. Sometimes love songs make the best lullaby's.

To Make You Feel My Love
Written by Bob Dylan. Sung by Adele

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the earth for you
To make you feel my love

Love,
Momma

The Best times of your life...

Right after I delivered you
Cuddling after a few nights of no sleep.
Sleeping with Daddy in the middle of the night.
Sleeping on Daddy your second night home.
Right about this moment Daddy said to me, "I was meant to be a dad".
Another tired and wonderful middle of the night feeding.
Our sweet baby on your first night home.
Dear Boston,

I wanted to tell you about our first couple nights home with you. They were the best and hardest of my life. I came home from the hospital very tired and had not slept for two days. Once we were home I still could not sleep for a couple days because I was having some weird but major anxiety, and every time I would lay down I would hear and feel a huge pounding in my head and my heart. So, for another couple days I couldn't sleep at all. This, plus normal recovery from labor made your first days home with us some of the hardest of my life. Thankfully you were and are an angel baby (seriously, I looked it up in Baby Whisperer, took the quiz, and you are in fact an Angel baby). You slept great, hardly cried, and were full of extra cuteness. For these reasons, these days were the best of my life, beyond comparison. I was talking to Aunt Kaz about the experience of entering parenthood and to sum it up I said this,

"We are dead tired, beyond what we have ever felt. we're miserable from a lack of sleep (and anything else that may be going on), I don't know how my body is still functioning because I am so trashed, but all night long we are taking pictures, because we don't want to miss a moment of it".

I think this is a good lesson for life Bosty. Some of life's best experiences (your mission, college, parenting) are the hardest and you don't want to let them pass you by, because amidst all of the hard is so much good. So make sure you take moments to look around you and count your blessings in the good times and the bad, because you just might find that the very best times are smack in the middle of the hardest.

PS You were my best medicine during those first really hard days. :)
PSS One day when you have a wife, and you two have your first baby, ask Daddy for some pointers on how to be supportive of your wife, because he has got that down... and if all else fails just hug and kiss your wife and tell her all will be ok...that worked wonders for me. :)

Love,

Momma

Making Memories of Us

Dear Boston,
We met face to to face for the first time, three weeks and one day ago, but you and I have been creating memories together for much longer than that. Here is a list of my favorite memories with you so far:

The day I found out you were in my tummy. Daddy and I jumped up and down and ran around the house, screaming, laughing and crying. We were so excited to start our lives with you.

The first time I felt you kick. I wasn't sure if I was feeling you or not and you had already been in my tummy for 22 weeks. One night while I was sitting on the couch (probably watching Lost reruns) you gave me a nice, big kick! I laughed out loud and couldn't believe not only did I feel your kick, but I saw your kick too! I called Daddy right away and he was so excited. When he got home that night, he got to feel and see some of your big kicks too.

The first time I saw you in an Ultra Sound. You just looked like a little Gummy Bear, but I loved you immediately and Daddy and I both cried because we were so happy to see you.

When Daddy and I found out you were a boy. The whole time I was pregnant we had been referring to the baby in my tummy as Boston. We just felt like you were a boy and we were right! Again...we cried when we found out. Mom and Dad cry ALOT when we're happy. :)

When you would hiccup in my tummy. I would rub my tummy to try and comfort you because your hiccups were pretty big, just like they are now.

The first time I got to see your little cheeks and lips in an Ultra Sound. Feeling you move in my tummy at night and in the morning. I really loved that.

Holding you endlessly in my arms and watching all of your cute (and sometimes sad) face expressions.

Kissing your little cheerio mouth, while you look around with wide eyes, wondering if milk will somehow just drop right in that tiny hole.

Sleeping with you, when I just can't seem to put you down.

Watching you drink your bottle for the first time, after I realized you had been starving for the first few days of life.

My first night up all night with you in the Hospital, taking care of you, and enjoying every diaper change, every cry, every little thing about you.

Nursing you and then watching you chub up, because I am providing for you.

Family kiss fest on your first night home with me and Daddy. You just stared up at us and we kissed each other and you for a good, long, ten minutes. Daddy and I couldn't believe just how lucky we are.

Watching you smile.

Looking at you, while you look at me.

Watching you look intensely at Daddy and hang on his every word.

Singing to you and watching you calm immediately down.

Bringing you into this world and seeing your head full of hair for the first time.

Boston, I cherish every one of these memories with you and I know we are going to create so many more, but my number one favorite memory with you, that will never leave me is the moment they placed you on my chest. We had beautiful church music playing and the room was quiet. After an hour of pushing, all of a sudden, you were here. I couldn't even see your face, but I remember feeling your wrinkly little bum and kissing the top of your head. We heard your first sweet little cries, but as soon as they put you on my chest, you calmed right down. The feeling I had in that moment is beyond description, but I will never forget it. I just could not believe that you were mine. I remember looking over at Daddy and seeing tears stream down his face as he said, "happy birthday Boston". I remember seeing a nurse wipe the tears off her face, but mostly I just remember that feeling of touching you for the first time and knowing that you are all mine...and Daddys. :)

Love,

Momma